The Jerk - The Script
Story by Steve Martin
and Carl Gottlieb
Screenplay by Steve
Martin, Carl Gottlieb, and Michael Elias
[Beside a theater, in the alley]
(Our hero, Navin, is sitting at the bottom of
a staircase, looking like a bum.)
Navin Huh?
I am not a bum, I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a
beautiful woman. Now I only have two things. My friends and... uh... my
thermos. Huh? My story? O.k. It was never for easy for me. I was born a
poor black child. I remember the days
sitting on the porch with my family singing and dancing, down in
Mississippi.
[Outside of Navin's house]
(Everyone is dancing and singing on the porch.
Navin has no rhythm.)
Gonna jump down turn
around pick a bail of cotton,
Gonna jump down turn
around pick a bail of hay...
[Inside, at the kitchen table]
Mother Well
I hope everybody's good and hungry! Corn bread...
Father Ain't
we forgetting something?
Mother No
I'm not. Today is Navin's birthday.
All Happy
Birthday!
Mother And
I cooked up your favourite meal: tuna fish salad on white bread with
mayonnaise, a Tab and a couple of Twinkies. Here darling.
Navin Gee
mom, thanks!
Elmyra I
got you a present.
Navin Gee
Elmyra!
Elmyra I
made it myself!
Taj We
got you something too. A half bottle of Lilac Vegetal from both of us.
Pierre I
drew you this picture.
Young Brother Here!
Navin Thank
you!
Father I
want you to have my Zippo.
Navin Gee,
you've had this since the war. Thanks. Thanks everybody. God bless us,
everyone.
Mother Navin!
[Navin's bedroom]
Father (from
kitchen) Well,
can you pass me the potatoes and the collared greens?
Mother Navin
darling?
Navin (crying) I'm
sorry I spoiled the party for everyone.
Mother You
didn't spoil the party. I brought you a Twinkie.
Navin I'm
not hungry right now.
Mother Feeling
different again, huh?
Navin It's
like I feel different. It's like I don't belong here.
Mother It's
your birthday, and it's time you knew. Navin, you're not our natural
born child.
Navin I'm
not?
Mother You
were left on our doorstep. But we raised you like you were one of us.
Navin
You mean I'm going to
stay this color?
(Navin cries)
Mother Navin,
I'd love you if you were the color of a baboons ass.
(Navin and his mom hug. Taj walks in.)
Taj Navin?
I wrapped your sandwich in cellophane, just like you like it. You wanna,
wanna come in and sing some blues?
Navin No
thanks Taj. There's something about those songs. They depress me.
Mother Come
here darling.
(They hug. Navin's mom is singing, Navin is
trying to snap his fingers along with it, but alas, he has no rhythm.)
Mother That's
it darling! You're getting the rhythm, see!
[Navin's bedroom, at night]
(Navin can't sleep, he's listening to the
radio.)
Announcer ...
and that concludes this Sunday night gospel hour. Live from the Four
Square Gospel Church of the Divine Salvation in St. Louis, Missouri. The
Reverend Willard Wilton, pastor. And now music throughout the night,
music in a mellow mood.
(Music is playing on the radio. Navin turns on
his light, his toes are tapping to beat. His fingers begin to snap,
first the left, then right. He gets up out of bed, slips his slippers
on; all the while dancing and moving to the rhythm. He leaves the room.)
[Grandma's room]
Navin Grandma!
Grandma! Look! Look at the radio! Turn it up! Turn it up! It's
unbelievable! I've never heard music like this before! It speaks to me!
Taj, Dad, this is unbelievable! Now watch, watch! Well if this is out
there just think how much more is out there! This is the kind of music
that tells me to go out there and be somebody!
Mother But
Navin!
Father Let
him go.
[Outside, at the side of a barn]
(there is a large pile of shit on the ground)
Father Son,
now that your going out into the world, there's something you should
know. You see that?
Navin Yeah.
Father That's
shit. And this: shinola.
Navin Shit,
shinola.
Father Son,
you're going to be all right. Now what town are you going to try for
first?
Navin Well
I thought I'd try to go to St. Louis, because that is where that radio
program was coming from.
(as they walk away, Navin walks through the
shit)
[In front of the house]
Mother And
remember, the Lord loves a working man.
Navin Lord
loves a working man.
Father And
son, don't never, ever trust whitey.
Navin Don't
trust whitey. The Lord loves a working man, don't trust whitey.
(he hugs his mom)
Mother Ah
baby!
Navin Daddy!
(he hugs his dad)
Navin Pierre
come here. Don't you forget to grow up now.
Father O.k.
Now let the boy go. We got work to do.
Mother And
I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for.
Navin I
will Ma. I know it's out there.
Taj It's
out there alright, and if you catch it, see a doctor and get rid of it.
Navin See
a doctor and get rid of it.
Taj Good
luck.
Navin Good
luck. The Lord
loves a working man, don't trust whitey, see a doctor and
get rid of it. Bye Grandma!
[Later that day, at the kitchen table]
Mother Oh,
I sure do miss Navin.
Brother Is
he ever coming back?
Father Take
away his place setting - it's making us too god damn sad.
Mother I
wonder if he's doing alright?
Sister (shouting
out window) Hey
Navin! How you doing?
Navin Don't
worry about me! I think I see a car coming - no wait - it's a truck!
It's a truck!
Mother Oh
Lord, help our little boy.
[Outside the house, on the street]
Navin I'm
hitchhiking.
Driver Where
are you going?
Navin St.
Louis. How far are you going?
Driver To
the end of this fence.
Navin O.k.
(he gets in the truck) I'm
Navin Johnson. What's your name sir?
Driver Here
we are!
Navin O.k.
Thanks for the company. I hope I can repay you someday.
[Various scenes of Navin hitchhiking - he ends
up at the Firebird Motel]
(Navin is in bed, snoring. There is barking
outside his room. Navin wakes up and opens the door.)
Navin Well
what is it boy? Are you lost? Do you want to play?
(more barking) Is
it trouble? Trouble? Is it a accident? A drowning? A fire?
Shithead (more
barking) Yeah!
Yeah!
Navin Fire!!
Oh no! Gosh! We've got to warn everybody! I've heard about dogs like
you! You're going to be famous! You're gonna get your picture taken and
they'll put it in the paper! Gosh, this is exciting! You saved my life!
Come on, lets warn everybody!
[Outside of the motel]
Navin Arf!
Arf! Arf! Fire! It's a fire! Everybody! Wake up! It's a fire! This dog,
he's saving everybody's life! He's unbelievable! This is some dog! He's
a lifesaver! That's what I'll call him too! Ol' lifesaver! That's
going to be your name.
(the fire department shows up and checks the
place out)
Fireman Folks,
false alarm. There's no fire.
Guest Hey
mister? Don't call that dog lifesaver.
Navin No?
Guest Call
him Shithead.
Navin Good.
Shithead.
[Down a dusty road, Navin is carrying Shithead]
Navin This
is exciting. This is exciting to have this kind of life on the road. A
guy and a dog.
(there is honking from a truck passing by)
Driver St.
Louis?
Navin No,
Navin Johnson.
Driver No,
do you want a lift to St. Louis?
Navin Oh!
O.k., thanks!
Driver Hop
in.
(the truck pulls up to gas station)
Navin This
will be fine, right here. Thank you.
[At a gas station]
Harry Where
are you going?
Navin To
the bathroom.
Harry You've
got to have a key.
Navin Can
I get one?
Harry My
key is for customers who buy gas.
Navin Oh,
I'm buying gas.
Harry I
don't see no car.
Navin I,
I just need enough for my lighter.
Harry Oh
look at this. And my wife wanted me to stay home today. Look
what I would have missed! A complete fill up for a whole lighter.
(Harry points inside) On
that wall.
Navin Thank
you.
(Navin is dragging a key chained to a wheel
rim)
Harry And
don't walk away with it.
Navin I
won't.
[Bathroom at gas station]
(Harry is shouting through the door at Navin,
who is using the facilities)
Harry Hey
pop top! Hey silverbird! I'm talking to you.
Navin Huh?
Harry Listen,
do you want to be president of Texaco oil?
Navin Sure!
Harry Then
clean up the sink in there.
Navin And
then I'll be president of Texaco oil?
Harry What
ever happened to working your way up? He's not working for me ten
minutes and already he wants to be president of Texaco oil.
Navin But
sir, I don't work here.
Harry Not
even for $1.10 an hour?
[Various scenes of Navin working at the gas
station]
[At Navin's old home]
(Dad and the family are reading a letter from
Navin)
Navin (his
voice only) Dear
folks, I got this great job in a gas station. I don't want to say how
much I'm getting, but lets just say its a lot. I'm enclosing two
dollars.
Father That's
a good boy.
[Back at the gas station]
Navin (his
voice only) It's
a lot of fun working and Mr. Hartounian is really nice. He's teaching me
how to be impatient.
Harry Navin!
Navin (his
voice only) Well,
I gotta go now. What do you think I do? Write letters all day?
Harry Do
you actually sleep here?
(pointing to a dolly underneath a car)
Navin Yes.
Is that o.k.?
Harry Come
with me. I've got a beautiful little place for you to stay. Put the
light on. You're going to like it here.
[Back in the bathroom at the gas station]
Navin Like
it? I love it! This is fabulous! I mean, you've got the toilet here!
This must be the kitchen!
(he looks in the stall) No.
You know what I could do is take this wall and just turn it this way so
I've a much larger living space plus, it will create a flow into the
main living area. It will be incredible. No, no, I'll just elevate this
about 6 inches, create the illusion of
two rooms and yet still have that flow. And I could take bookshelves and
put it here, no, I'll put the books right over here, that way I could be
relaxing over here, the customers could come in, use the urinals, I
won't disturb them, they won't disturb me,
it...
Harry Take
it easy, it's not here. It's in here.
Navin Oh.
I couldn't afford this anyway.
[In a closet inside the bathroom]
Harry Well,
this is it.
Navin It's
perfect! I won't have to change this at all!
Harry Take
a look. No kitchen, no windows, no chairs, no tables. It's a masterpiece
of understatement. I'll put a bed down here, get a bigger bulb. I'll
bring some sheets from the house, you'll be set for life!
Navin How
much is this gonna to cost me?
Harry Nothing!
When you're rich and famous, you'll send me a postcard.
Navin Postcard
huh?
(he thinks...) O.k.
It's a deal.
Harry It's
a deal.
[Outside the gas station]
Navin What
are those?
Harry Step
outside for a second darling.
(Harry's wife steps out of the car)
Harry Navin,
this is my wife Leanor. Leanor, this is Navin.
Navin Pleased
to meet you.
Harry Navin,
do you know why a woman of such pulplitude is married to a man like me?
(Navin shakes his head)
Harry Because
I make a very comfortable living. Now this is the first time I'm leaving
you alone on a Sunday. If anything should happen to this station this
woman would leave me like a pbbt! In other words, there'd be no more,
uh...
(makes hand gesture) Do
you know what I'm talking about?
Navin Yes
sir. No more
(makes hand gesture).
Harry So
remember, guard this station with your life. Because my sex life is in
your hands.
[Outside the gas station - a large car has
just pulled up]
Navin I
can fix those shocks.
Driver No,
we just want some gas, Muchacho.
Navin O.k.
but it's Sunday. We got to have a credit card.
Driver Ah...
Jerry And
all the cash is locked up?
Navin Oh
no, not locked up. We got a lot a cash, it's just that the banks are
closed and I'm not allowed to have cash coming in or going out 'cause
I'm all alone here for the first time and I don't want anything to
happen and you know you flash this kind of wad in front of some people
and they'll kill you for it! So we got to have a credit card.
Driver Hey
Jerry? We got a credit card in there? Credit card?
(Navin is offered a smoke from guy in the back
seat)
Navin Oh,
no thanks. I don't smoke. What kind of cigarette is that?
Backseat guy Joint.
Navin Joint?
They don't make 'em very good.
Jerry Mastercharge
do?
Navin Yeah
that's fine. We take Mastercharge. Do you want a fill up, Mrs. Neusebalm?
Jerry Oh,
I'm Mr. Neusebalm.
Driver Yeah,
that's his wife's card.
Navin Wife's
card huh?
Driver Yeah,
I'll vouch
for him
Navin O.k
- as long as we got a voucher.
(Navin checks the list of stolen credit cards) Stolen!
(Navin goes inside the gas bar and dials the
phone)
Navin I
got it! Just send a police car over. Mrs. Neusebalm's credit card! I got
the guys who stole it!
(the guys outside honk their horn)
Navin Hold
on they're calling me. I'll be right back.
(Navin runs back out to the car)
Navin Yes?
Driver Yeah,
throw a couple of tires in the trunk - put it on the card - radials.
Navin O.k.
Jerry Make
'em whitewalls!
Navin Yes
sir Mr. Neusebalm!
(Navin runs back to the phone)
Navin I'm
back, only its worse
than I thought. They're not only sticking us for gas but
they're grabbing tires and everything! They're really sacking it to us!
Yeah, it's Hartounian's gas station at the corner... Hang on a second, I
don't want to get them suspicious. Don't worry, I can
keep 'em
here. I saw this trick in a movie.
(the bell on the church next door rings)
Navin Got
your tires!
(Navin puts the tires in the trunk of the car
and proceeds to tie a rope from bumper of it to a water tap on the
church)
Navin Anything
else?
Driver Yeah.
Jerry And
we'll take the money you got in your pocket.
Navin Oh
sure, I'll just put it on the card. Hey guess what! You're out eighth
customer today - you won a free oven mitt! I'll go get it for ya.
(Navin saunters back to phone)
Navin Yeah,
I'm back. Uh huh. Yeah, they're going to be here for a while. Don't
worry, I've rigged it.
(Meanwhile, back at the car...)
Driver You
guys want to stick around for an oven mitt?
Jerry Nah.
(Back to Navin on the phone...)
Navin Hang
on just a second.
(the car starts to pull away, despite the
rope. Only, it is dragging the church behind it)
Navin Um,
they might not be here, uh, exactly, uh, when you get back, but, uh,
it's a blue Chevy two door and it will be going south on
Hertatto street. No, I
can't make out the license number but, uh, it will be pulling a small
church. So any blue Chevy pulling a small church, I figure that'd be the
one. Yeah, uh huh.
[Later that day]
Harry Believe
me, I'm not mad at you. What's the matter with you? What'd I loose, a
couple of tires? But look at the bright side - you also lost the church!
Navin Gee
Mr. Hartounian! Gee Mr. Hartounian!
(a phone book delivery truck drives up)
Navin Oh,
my God!
(Navin takes the book.) Thank
you.
(he rips through the book, looking for
something)
Navin The
new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!
Harry Well
I wish I could get so excited about nothing.
Navin Nothing?
Are you kidding?! Page 73, Johnson, Navin, R.! I'm somebody now!
Millions of people look at this book every day! This is the kind of
spontaneous publicity, you're name in print, that makes people. I'm
impressed! Things are going to start happening
to me now.
[At Madman's house]
Madman (he
picks a name at random from the new phone book) Johnson,
Navin, R. Sounds like a typical bastard.
[Back at the gas station]
Madman Die
Navin R. Johnson. Bastard, random son of a bitch, typical run of the
mill bastard.
Navin Fill
'er up?
Stan Fill
'er up son and a little bit extra! Stan Fox buying gas.
Navin Navin
R. Johnson selling it sir!
Madman Got
ya, you lavish typical blocking of
the view of a God damn average victim bastard.
Navin Check
your oil?
Stan Check
away Navin R. Johnson!
Navin Oil
rag at the ready sir!
Stan Lets
check the oil together!
Navin Yes
sir, thank you sir!
Madman Son
of blocking bastard!
Stan Looks
good to me sir but I'd like your opinion!
(Stan's glasses slip off his nose) Damn
these glasses! Looks good to me too! Hurry up son, time's a wasting! I'm
going to the john. Don't forget to check the tires. Damn these glasses
son!
Navin Yes
sir. I damn thee!
Stan Damn!
Damn these glasses!
Navin Sir!
I can fix those glasses!
Stan You
can? Well here, fix those suckers!
(Dramatic music plays as Navin is tossed the
pair of glasses. He catches them and runs inside to fix them.)
Madman Shit!
(Stan comes back from the john
Navin Sir!
Guess what - I fixed 'em. I was back there thinking, what causes
glasses to slip on and off and it's because when you take them on and
off you're always putting pressure on the frames like this - it causes
them to spread, so I put a little handle right here in the centre and it
puts the pressure on the bridge where it belongs, just like the tierods
on a 72 Buick, plus I put a little nose brake on to prevent slippage.
Try it! Use the handle.
Stan Well,
I'll be. It works! You know, I make a pretty good living selling shit
like this. I tell you what: if I can develop
this gizmo, I'll split
with you fifty fifty.
Navin O.k.
Stan How
much do I owe you for the gas? I got a trunk load of shit to sell.
Navin Twenty
six, forty one.
Stan Here's
a triple six! Keep the change.
Navin Wow
thanks!
Madman Dead
centre - say you're prayers,
half breed!
(cans begin to pop on the display Navin is
standing next to)
Navin Hey
Harry, look at this! What's the matter with these cans?
Madman Die
milk face!
(more cans pop)
Navin These
cans are defective - they're springing leaks! Come over here and look at
this!
Harry Listen,
you better run for cover or you're going to spring a leak!
Navin Huh?
Harry We
don't have defective cans, we have a defective person out there!
Navin He
hates these cans! Stay away from the cans!
Madman Die
gas pumper!
(the glass on a pump breaks)
Navin Get
away from those cans!
(Navin runs inside the station)
Navin There's
cans in there too!
(the gas station window breaks)
navin More
cans!
Madman Die
you bastard!
Harry He
doesn't want to put holes in the cans, he want to put holes in you!
Navin What?
Madman Milk
faced bastard!
Navin Oh
my God, I'm endangering your life! Cover me!
Harry You're
covered.
Madman Suck
my toes!
Navin You
stay here, I'll
distract him.
(Navin pulls away in a car with no tires on,
Madman follows behind)
Navin Shithead,
come on! Come on boy! Good boy!
(Navin is chased, and eventually, pulls into a
carnival lot)
[A carnival lot]
(There is a sign on the fence that reads
"Carnival personnel only")
Madman Carnival
personnel only. Damn.
Navin Shithead
come one!
Madman You're
not carnival personnel!
Navin Come
on boy, come on!
Madman Hey,
he's not carnival personnel!
Frosty O.k
Eddy, move it out.
(a truck pulls out, with Navin riding on the
back)
[A carnival]
Navin (his
voice only) So
mom, when I told Mr. Hartounian I'd come back, he said, "Don't be a putz.
See the world. Me you've seen already. So I got a job with SJM Fiesta
Shows as a weight guesser. Frosty my boss tells me there's a big future
in weight guessing. Enclosed is four dollars and seventy five cents for
my loving family. P.S. Is grandma still farting?
Navin For
one dollar I'll guess you weight, your height, or your sex. The most
exciting thing on the midway. Imagine the thrill of getting your weight
guessed by a professional. You can blow up your cheeks, you can stick
out your chest, but you're not going to
fool the guesser. How
about you sir? Step right up!
Carnival Rube Hey
honey, let's see how good this guy is. What'd I win?
Navin Uh,
anything in this general area right in here. Anything below the stereo
and on this side of the bicentennial glasses. Anything
between the ashtrays and the thimble. Anything in this three inches
right in here in this area. That includes the Chiclets, but not the
erasers.
Carnival Rube No
sir! Come on honey! He thought he had a rube.
Navin Frosty,
I'm no good at this.
Frosty Aw
come on
Navin, you're doing fine.
Navin I've
already given away eight pencils, two hoola dolls and an ashtray and
I've only taken in fifteen dollars.
Frosty Navin,
you have taken in fifteen dollars and given away fifty cents worth of
crap, which gives us a
net profit of fourteen dollars and fifty cents.
Navin Ah!
It's a profit deal! Takes the pressure off! Get your weight guessed
right here! Only a buck! Actual live weight guessing! Take a chance and
win some crap!
[At the motorcycle ring]
Announcer Ladies
and gentlemen. May I draw your attention now to the left side of the
midway. Presenting the amazing Patty Bernstein doing her special ride
through the flaming ball of death.
(Applause from the crowd. Patty rides through
the ball of death and falls off her motorcycle, but gets up, a-o.k.)
[On the circus grounds]
Patty Wanna
guess my weight greeny?
Navin I
saw you last night, you were great!
Patty Ya,
right. Turn around.
Navin What?
Patty Turn
around. Go like this.
(she thrusts her hips) You're
o.k. Give me a bite of that corn dog.
Navin What
about germs?
Patty Put
a rubber on it. Get on.
(they ride off on Patty's motorcycle)
Frosty Don't
you wear him out! He's got to work tonight!
[Inside Patty's trailer]
Navin What
a great place! You know, you can tell so much about a person from the
way they live. Just looking around here I can tell you're a genuinely
dirty person. What do I do with this?
(Patty takes the helmet and throws it across
the trailer) Oh,
you keep it there. Where's your garbage?
(Patty takes Navin's corn dog and throws it
across the trailer as well)
Patty (she
lies down on the bed) You
know what I'd like to do?
Navin What?
Patty Guess
your weight.
Navin Hey,
that would be interesting for me, no one has tried to guess my weight!
You see, I guess their weights...
Patty Put
your arms up.
Navin This
will give me a whole different perspective on this.
(Patty squeezes Navin's backside) Hey!
You're really trying to be accurate! Is it getting hot in here? Wait a
minute - what's happening to my special purpose?
Patty What's
your special purpose?
Navin Well
when I was a kid my mom told me... there goes my special purpose! And
someday
I'd find out what my special purpose was!
Patty Today's
the day!
Navin (the
whole trailer shakes) Hey,
this is like a ride!
[On the porch of Navin's old house]
Grandmother (reading
a letter) My
dear family, guess what. Today I found out what my special purpose is
for. Gosh what a great time I had. I wish my whole family could have
been here with me. Maybe some other time as I intend to do this a lot.
Every chance I get. I think next week I'll
be able to send some more money as I may have extra work. My friend
Patty promised me a blow job. Your loving son, Navin.
(she stops reading) And
he's got the kisses here.
Father That
Patty must be a sweet girl.
Mother God
bless her.
[Back at the circus, on the ferris wheel]
Navin Do
you ever think we'd get to know each other well enough to kiss?
Patty We
don't have to. You're my man. It's like we're married. Look at my ass.
Navin Gosh!
You have my last
name tattooed right there under the j's! First I get my name in the
phone book and now I'm on your ass! You know, I bet more people see that
then the phone book.
[On miniature train, Navin is driving]
Navin End
of the line! This is Engineer Fred. Come back to visit me again!
Marie Billy!
Billy!
Navin Whoo,
whoo!
Marie Have
you seen a five years old boy, blond hair and he's wearing a t-shirt
that says "Bullshit" on it?
Navin No,
there was this one kid earlier who was wearing a t-shirt that says "Life
Sucks" on it.
Marie I
left him at the Roundup. He said he wanted to go on the train.
(Billy has climbed on board the miniature
train) There
he is! Hey Billy!
Navin Hey,
come back here!
(The trains begins to leave, Navin starts to
run after it)
Navin Pull
the lever! Pull the lever! Hold that
(Navin hands Marie his oil can) and
these
(his gloves) and
take my keys and hold my wallet!
(Navin runs down the track after the train and
Billy)
Navin (to
Billy) Don't
touch the Johnson bar! It'll explode the fuel casing! And if the
Wilson-Smith indicator gets above one sixty, just turn that little nut
down there one quarter turn. There's a little screwdriver there, just
put it in and turn it one quarter. Now listen Billy, we're going into a
tunnel don't stand up because the clearance is only four foot, uhh!
(Navin hits his head on the tunnel) I'm
o.k., I was protected by the bill of my Engineer Fred cap!
(the train slows to a stop) Thank's
for pulling my cap down.
Marie Oh
Billy, Billy! You scared me half to death. Thank you so much. It would
have been so embarrassing to go home without Billy. Oh, here's your
gloves and your oil can and your wallet, oh and this fell out.
(she hands Navin a condom)
Navin Ha!
Those guys...
Marie Listen,
what you did just now was very brave. Is there some way I could repay
you?
Navin Repay
me? I could never accept anything from you for saving your child.
Marie Oh,
he's not my child. I'm just babysitting for a friend.
Navin Oh,
would it be too much if I asked for a kiss?
Marie No.
Navin (Navin
kisses Billy) He's
a real little dickens.
(Marie kisses Navin, then she leaves)
Navin Oh
Miss? I was, was just standing here right now, and I was wondering if
you wern't doing anything tomorrow, that maybe you might want to go out
with me?
Marie What?
Navin (he
is mumbling) Maybe
you might want to go out with me?
Marie Are
you trying to ask me for a date?
Navin (mumbling) Well...
Marie Once
for now, twice for yes.
(Navin stomps his foot twice)
Navin O.k.
Marie Um...
you're so cute. How about three thirty tomorrow at the Roundup?
Navin O.k.!
Do you have any boyfriends?
Marie Not
really.
Navin Are
they crazy? If I was a fellow, I'd be around all the time.
Marie Well,
see if you can work it out. We have a date tomorrow.
Navin What's
your name?
Marie Marie.
What's yours?
Navin I'll
tell you tomorrow. It will give us something interesting to talk about.
[Behind the merry-go-round]
Navin Hi.
Patty What's
up hubby?
Navin Oh,
I got these for you.
(Navin hands her a bunch of daisies)
Patty Thanks.
(Patty rips the flowers off and hands the
stems back to Navin) Navin,
you know the other day when I showed you the tattoo?
Navin Yeah...
Patty Well
I forgot to tell you something. This!
(She punches him, then throws him to the
ground. She pulls out a switchblade and holds it to his throat.)
Patty That's
what's going to happen to you if I ever catch you looking at another
broad.
Navin Glad
you told me.
Patty And
remember, I did this without anger and I stayed
away from your crotch.
Navin Bye
sweetie.
(Patty leaves)
[Later...]
Navin Hi!
Marie What
happened?
Navin Oh,
it was unbelievable. These guys jumped me, tried to get these flowers. I
got them for you. Kind of a traditional date deal.
Marie Yeah,
I've heard of that. What were they?
Navin Uh,
a couple of dozen roses.
Marie Look
like daisy stems.
Navin What?
That guy gipped me! Put daisy stems on my roses! Hey, look, these
hoodlums are dangerous. I think we outta get out of here before she sees
us.
Marie She?
Navin What?
Marie She.
Navin No,
no, I always call a gang "she". It's like when you call a boat "she" or
a hurricane "she".
Marie Or
a girl?
Navin A
girl. You can call a girl she. That's just one of the many things you
can call a she.
[In Navin's house - actually, the back of a
trailer]
Marie Why
are you smiling?
Navin You're
the first person I've every had at my place.
Marie You
live here? Oh, it's nice. Did you decorate it?
Navin Yeah,
I got all this stuff from the old Cup 'o Pizza place before they tore it
down.
Marie Good
pizza.
(the two of them are eating pizza in a cup)
Navin Oh,
this is the best pizza in a cup
ever. This guy is unbelievable. He ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of
business. People come from all over to eat this.
(they exchange glances)
Navin You
know, you have beautiful skin. May I?
Marie Yes.
(he squishes her cheeks)
Navin So
smooth yet flexible.
Marie I
take after my mother's side of the family.
Navin It's
amazing the way it just snaps back like that. Amazing. Are you a model?
Marie No.
I'm a cosmetologist.
Navin Really?
A cosmetologist? That's unbelievable! That's impressive!
It must be tough to handle weightlessness! Can I ask you a personal
question?
Marie What
is it?
Navin Now
be totally honest. You do have a boyfriend don't you.
Marie Kind
of.
Navin I
know this is our first date but, do you think the next time you make
love to your boyfriend, you could think of me?
Marie Well
I haven't made love to him yet.
Navin That's
too bad. Do you think it's possible that someday you can make love with
me and think of him?
Marie Who
knows. Maybe you and he could make love and you could think of me.
Navin I'd
just be happy to be in there somewhere.
(Navin licks her face)
Marie Do
you have a girlfriend?
Navin Does
it matter?
Marie Well,
I'd like to think you were available.
Navin Oh,
I'm available.
(Patty rides into the trailer on her
motorcycle)
Patty Did
you forget about my ass?
Navin No,
I've been thinking about it! She tattooed my name on her ass. Not just
my name, a lot of names and funny sayings too! She's got one up here
that says "Slippery when wet".
Marie How
do you know that?
Patty What
is she, some great piece of ass?
Navin She's
no great piece of ass! I mean uh, hey, wait a minute, wait a minute.
We're all adults here, lets reason this out. Now Marie is the type of
person that if you got...
Patty If
Miss Class doesn't get her buns outta here, I'm going to drive this bike
up her
butt!
Navin ...while
Patty tends to be more direct.
Patty And
as for you farm boy, we're married.
(Patty punches Navin) And
as for you, cupie doll...
(Marie punches Patty)
Navin You
protected me, you must really like me!
[On a beach at night]
(Navin is playing the ukulele, him and Marie
are singing)
I know, I know,
You belong to somebody
new,
But tonight, you belong
to me.
Although, although,
We're apart, you're
part of my heart,
And tonight, you belong
to me.
Way down by the stream,
How sweet it would
seem,
Once more just to
breathe in the moonlight my honey...
I know, I know,
With the dawn, that you
will be gone,
But tonight, you belong
to me.
Just to little ol' me.
(Marie brings out a coronet, she plays a solo,
then the song ends)
Navin You
know, while you were playing that just now, I had the craziest fantasy
that I could rise up and float right down the end of this coronet, right
through here, through these vales, right
along this tube, and right up against your lips and give you a kiss.
Marie Why
didn't you?
Navin I
didn't want to get spit on me.
(They almost kiss, well, sort of... Marie is
resisting him. Eventually, he gives up.)
Navin (out
of breath) Was
it good for you too?
Marie I
really do want to kiss you, but I'm afraid.
Navin I
would have kept my tongue in!
Marie No,
I mean, I'm afraid if I kiss you that I will fall in love with you.
Navin You
will?
Marie And
I don't want to.
Navin You
don't?
Marie My
mother sacrificed everything to send me through cosmetology.
Navin She
did?
Marie She
has this dream for me to be somebody.
Navin She
does?
Marie To
marry someone with power, great vision, someone with a special purpose.
Navin I've
got one! I've got a special purpose!
Marie You
do?
Navin Yes,
it's fantastic! It's great! It's unbelievable! And I was afraid to tell
you about it - your mother's going to love me!
[Navin and Marie are in bed, Marie is asleep]
Navin Marie,
are you awake? Good. You look so beautiful and peaceful, you almost look
dead. I'm glad because there is something that has always been very
difficult for me to say. I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the
slitted sheet I sit. I've never been
relaxed enough around anyone to be able to say that. You give me
confidence in myself. I know we've only known each other four weeks and
three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first
day seemed like a week and the second day seemed
like five days and the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth
day seemed like eight days and the fifth day you went to see your mother
and that seemed just like a day and then you came back and later on the
sixth day, in then evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming
like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over
into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end
of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five
days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written
down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it. Anyway,
I've decided that tomorrow, when the time is right, I'm going to ask you
to marry me, if that's o.k. with you. Just don't say anything. You've
made me very happy.
[In the bathtub]
(Navin is in the bathtub, Marie is at the
desk, writing)
Navin (singing) Went
to Lars singing, you agreed, in ringing notes of harmony.
Marie (singing) I
may not have the best way, but when I speak in song I say it better...
Navin This
warm melody always calls to me...
Marie Though
my worries may go away, it's my hope the song will stay just to help
when I first sing... goodbye.
Navin Honey,
whose the happiest guy in the world?
Marie You
are!
Navin That's
right! And who's the happiest gal?
(Shithead barks)
Navin That's
right!
(Marie slips a note under the door to the
bathroom.)
Navin Honey,
guess what - I wrote a song for you this morning.
(Navin is singing)
I'm picking out a
thermos for you.
Not an ordinary thermos
for you.
But the extra best
thermos that you can buy,
With vinyl and stripes
and a cup built right in!
I'm picking out a
thermos for you,
And maybe a barometer
too,
And what else can I buy
so on me you'll rely,
A rear end thermometer
too.
(Marie is about to leave)
Navin Honey?
There's a question I've been wanting to pop, but I was afraid you'd say
no, but this seems like the right time and place, so here goes. Honey,
will you marry me?
(Shithead barks)
Navin Yahoo!
Come on, lets seal it with a kiss! Get in the tub with me!
(Shithead jumps in the bathtub) Not
you Shithead, where's Marie?
(Shithead barks)
Navin What
letter?
(Shithead barks, Navin picks up the wet letter
off the floor.)
Navin (reading) Dear
Nabbbin, Rouuu here eeerrr I searrrr forward to tell mmmuuuhhhuuurrr to
be... Marie! Marie! Shithead, come here! Good idea!
[Outside the house]
(Navin still isn't dressed, he is covering his
front with Shithead)
Navin Marie,
Marie, why did you leave me? I couldn't read the letter, it was too
blurry! Here boy!
(Navin picks up another little dog to cover
his backside)
Navin Marie!
Marie! Marie! Where are you Marie? Marie? Where are you Marie? Marie!
[On a dusty road]
Navin It's
not going to be easy Shithead. We've been together a long time, but I've
got to head down that road and there'll be times out there when there
won't be enough food for two and I won't be able...
(Shithead runs off)
Navin Hey!
Wait a minute! I'm not done yet! Come back, I'm not finished! I have
some more to tell you!
(Shithead comes back)
Navin You'll
find a family who can give you a real home with loving kids and a warm
fireplace. Now I never liked you anyway, now get out of here. O.k., o.k.
you win, you can go with me.
[Further on down the road]
(Navin is dragging Shithead behind him)
Navin (his
voice only) So
mom, with my faithful dog leading the way, I'm out to win the hand of
Marie. You'd love her mom, she looks just like you. Except she's white
and blond. So to win her back, I vowed to make something of myself. I
settled in Los Angeles and took the money
I saved and rented my first apartment.
Mother (reading) Things
couldn't be worse. I can only send you forty nine cents this week...
Father That's
a good boy.
Mother (reading) ...as
I've lost all my jobs. I've been eating well though, as the hospital
gives out free meals of orange juice and cookies and all I have to do is
give them a pint of blood. I ate there all week, three times a day, and
I decided to quit when I cut myself
shaving and nothing came out but air. I have to go now, as someone is
staring at me though binoculars. Your loving son, Navin.
[Back at Navin's apartment]
(Madman from the gas station is looking at
Navin through binoculars)
Navin It's
him! Him?! What's him doing here?! Shithead! Shithead! Attack, attack,
attack!
(Shithead attacks) Not
me! Shithead!
(A big chase - Navin throws the popcorn he was
eating at Madman who is now running after him. Finally, Navin is
cornered and Madman approaches...)
Madman You're
going to have to sign for this.
(he hands a letter to Navin)
Navin I
have to sign before you shoot me?
Madman I'm
not going to shoot you.
Navin Why
not?
Madman Well,
that was the old me. I was a little mixed up at that time. I had a bad
marriage, and I just gave up smoking. I'm o.k. now. I'm a private
detective.
(Navin hands back the signed card) So
long.
Navin Thank
you.
(Navin opens up the letter and reads)
Navin (reading) Dear
Mr. Johnson, Please call on me, suite 2655 at the Century Plaza Tower,
Los Angeles. I have something of great importance to impart to you.
[Stan Fox's office]
Stan Navin!
Remember me?
Navin No,
but don't feel bad.
Stan Fox!
Stan fox! Remember, at the gas station? Boy, you are one hard guy to
find! You don't remember me! The glasses handle - look!
Navin Oh
yeah, my glasses handle.
(Navin reaches for a pair of glasses)
Stan Use
the Opti-grab.
Navin Opti-grab?
Stan Yeah,
we call it Opti-grab.
Navin Opti-grab.
Stan "Opti"
from the eye, and "grab" from where you grab it.
Navin Opti-grabbing
it!
Stan Navin,
look we're in business! Fifty fifty. Just like we said. Right in here, I
have your first cheque for two hundred and fifty big ones.
Navin Two
fifty?
Stan That's
just the beginning. There's going to be more! Lots more!
Navin Can
I cash this?
Stan You
can do whatever you like, it's your money! It's a cashiers check!
Navin Wow!
I can use money!
[At a bank]
