The Y3K Bug
By Steve Martin
 

With only eight years to go before the end of the third millennium, many scientists are beginning to express concern over the Tridecta Blighter Function, whose circuitry was not programmed to accommodate the year 3000. “Who knew that people would live six hundred years?” said Tyrell Oven-Baby No. 9, whose work in Danish metaoscillitiitaniannia led the way to the familiar Fundolator. “Yes, it’s true,” continued No. 9, “at the stroke of midnight on December 31, 2999, some individuals’ heads will explode. Naturally, the heads will grow back, but they will keep exploding, at random intervals, for the rest of their owner’s lives. This will be fine for the New Year’s Eve celebration, but I think most people would prefer it to stop by Dirndle Day.”

Of course, all of us have had our heads regenerated at one time or another, so why the fuss? The problem is that most of us who had a Tridecta Blighter Function implanted in our duodenum before the year 2465 will lose the use of two or our penises. This will leave most of us with our eight vaginas intact but with only six functioning male organs. Sure, it’s possible to get by with only six penises, but what about quality of life?

Some experts believe that the problem is overrated — that, at worst, a head may explode seven or eight times. And, since most people today keep their heads at home in a aluminum box, what difference will it make? But others consider this a freedom-of-choice issue, maintaining that we have the right to have our heads explode because we want them to, and not because some corporate giant failed to look six hundred years into the future. This is as fundamental a right, they claim, as the right to redirect the world’s rivers for personal gain, the right to re-hem anyone’s outer garments, and the right to govern one of the lesser races, such as the Offspring of Jerry Springer’s Guests.

Many people worry that the Y3K bug will interfere with the holidays. Perhaps the old Gregorian calendar might have been affected, but the Calendar of New Practicalities, which is centered on the three major televised holidays—the Super Bowl, the Oscars, and the N.B.A. playoffs — only requires a six-second delay at the start of the third quarter of the basketball semifinals every twenty-six years to keep it accurate. The holidays of Christmas, Easter, and Rosh Hashanah, combined into one three-day weekend to appease religious nuts, should not be affected.

What can I do?

Try to relax. When New Year’s Eve rolls around, put on an old movie, such as the hilarious comedy classic “2001.” Or treat yourself to a glass of water. This might also be a good time to plug up any oozing plasma you might have.

Stay home and let your head blow up. The worst thing that happens is that you’re out of commission until a new one grows. We all know what a peaceful time that can be, with no faxes ringing in our heads, and no B-mail messages being delivered to our right hemisphere from President Pete.

What happens if my head blows up while I’m at a party?
Everyone will know about the Y3K bug, and most likely you won’t be the only one to explode. You should be prepared, however, for those unkind revellers who will spoil your evening by taunting you with the nickname Ole Six Penis.

Even with all these helpful tips, there are bound to be those among you who are still uneasy about the coming millennium. If you can’t relax, try to meditate on these words:

“Everything’s going to be O.K. Be sure to watch our two-hour special, brought to you by Andromeda, where we recap the music of the millennium.”

I’m sure we can all take comfort in this message from our wisest of elders, Dick Clark.



* From The New Yorker, July 19, 1999.