The Sports Report
By Steve Martin
 

TENNIS -- ''I'm just not hitting the ball like I used to,'' said Jon Gretz of Holland. ''I think I'm going to temporarily up my dosage.'' When asked about his surprise defeat by an unrated Swede, he said: ''Doig responds well to steroids and for that he should be commended. But he also showed himself a gentleman when he thanked his supplier, the unsung hero in all this. That was true sportsmanship, which is almost forgotten in today's 'anything to win' atmosphere.''

BASEBALL -- The San Diego Calisthenics lost to the Oakland Warriors after Ernie Dawson hit his 8,998th homer of the season, leaving him two homers shy of the exclusive 9,000 club. ''Dawson really whacked the ball,'' said Coach Smith of the Calisthenics. ''His steroids really kicked in. I would love to know his exact dosage.'' When asked how long he thought it would take Dawson to reach the magic 9,000 number, Coach Smith said, ''It's not a given. It might take two minutes, three minutes, maybe even five minutes.''

FOOTBALL -- ''Jerome got completely overrun out there today,'' said Coach Peters, still steaming over his team's 18-point loss to the Fireballs. ''He was putting too much effort into it. You could see it on his face. He should have relaxed and let the steroids do the work. He's got 10 years experience, yet he made the mistake of so many rookies -- he tried.''

BIKING CYCLIST -- Asa Wells edged out Peter Jung in a tight finish at Davenport. Jung said: ''My thighs kept rubbing together and slowing me down. I may have to cut back on my dosage and bring them down in size a little.''

LONG JUMP -- Ida Lorenzo fell 89 feet short of her own record of 93 feet in the long jump, after leaping just 4 feet in the finals in Chad, where steroids, curiously, remain illegal.

SWIMMING -- Russia's top female swimmer, Anna Protsky, dove into the water today at the start of the 100-meter freestyle in Odensk and sank.

LITTLE LEAGUE -- The 300-pound 5-year-old catcher for the Sparklers squeaked a blooper just short of first base, prompting his angry dad to run onto the field and turn the embarrassed young man's pockets inside out. ''You didn't take them, did you!'' he screamed. ''You ate broccoli instead, didn't you!''

* From The New York Times, August 19, 2004, Late Edition,Sect. A; Col. 1; p. 31.