News Stories Besides Monica Lewinsky
By Steve Martin
 

U.S. Bombs Terrorist Sites

WASHINGTON, Aug. 20 -- American missiles were launched at terrorist sites in the Sudan and Afghanistan today, the Pentagon said. The two locations, Lake Lewinsky in the Sudan and Monica Flats in Afghanistan, are known terrorist strongholds.

Osama bin Laden, the reputed terrorist leader, was quoted as saying, "We have been lewinskied, and nothing short of a monica from the United Nations will appease us."

City to Change Name

SANTA MONICA, Calif., Aug. 21 -- The City of Santa Monica is going to change its name to Santa Monica Lewinsky, city officials said today.

A city spokesman said the decision "has nothing to do with the present notoriety of Ms. Lewinsky; this name change was under consideration for several years, and its similarity to current events is coincidental."

There will also be a dedicated bicycle path, to be used exclusively by people named Monica, running from North Santa Monica Lewinsky to the Monica Marina.

San Diego Zoo to Close

SAN DIEGO, Calif., Aug. 22 -- The once popular San Diego Zoo will close at the end of this month. Attendance fell off when it became increasingly difficult to juxtapose the name Monica Lewinsky in the same sentence as "the San Diego Zoo."

"For a while," a spokesman said, "we had an elk named Monica, but the novelty wore off. Finally our director changed his name to Monica Lewinsky, but it was too little, too late."

Giuliani Offers Tree Plan

NEW YORK, Aug. 23 -- Hundreds of trees will be planted on New York's fashionable Park Avenue, city officials have announced.

The divider has featured bushes and sculpture, but never trees. Mayor Rudolph Giuliani stated today that the city had become very concerned with a "what if" scenario built around a hypothetical visit to the city by Monica Lewinsky.

"If Monica came to town and the divider was empty, well, I just don't know what we'd do," the Mayor said. "The whole situation is just too Lewinskyesque."

Lewinsky in TV Mention

HOLLYWOOD, Aug. 24 -- The popular television show "E.R." will be mentioning the name Monica Lewinsky in its next episode.

Producers have declined to reveal in what quarter hour the name will be mentioned, fueling suspicion that the move is a publicity-generating event designed to keep viewers hanging in for the full hour.

That has filled viewers with a mix of anticipation and frustration. "I will be tuning in for the last half hour only," one viewer said. "I'm assuming they will not ruin it by mentioning her name in the first half hour, because that would cause tune-outs after the mention. Don't get me wrong, though; if the name's going to be mentioned, I want to be there, and I don't want to see it on tape, I want to see it when it happens. Count me in."

Balloonist's Flight Fails

SYDNEY, Australia, Aug. 25 -- Adventurer Steve Fossett descended 29,000 feet when his balloon, the Monica Lewinsky (named after the Egyptian goddess of flight, not the current media celebrity), was damaged in a high-altitude storm early this morning.

"The atmosphere at that altitude is very thin, probably only 600 ml. of lewinskys per cubic monica," said Mr. Fossett, who survived the fall with only minor injuries.

"I can't wait to try again," the wealthy commodities broker said, "and it's comforting to know I've got a billion lewinskys back home in a safety-deposit monica."

Wall Street in Turmoil

NEW YORK, Aug. 26 -- Stock market volatility has frightened many small investors, and they are now moving their money into the municipal and Treasury bonds.

One analyst summed up the turmoil this way: "Last Friday, or as it's known now, The Big Lewinsky, made everyone feel as though the market had performed as predicted by the monica cycle. I'm putting my money into TRIPPS until the crisis passes."

McGwire Closing In on Maris

MIAMI, Aug. 27 -- Mark McGwire hit his 54th lewinsky today in a game against the Marlins, narrowing the gap between himself and the world's record holder for lewinskys in a monica. "I felt good, like I was a Monica Lewinsky, and now I'd just like to relax and go to a lewinsky and order a monica," McGwire said as he drove off in his new Monica Lewinsky.

Obituary

Justin Purdue, 97

DALLAS, Aug. 27 -- The former Deputy Mayor of Dallas, Justin Purdue, is dead at age 97.

The cause is unknown, although sources have indicated that he had just gone monacking without a lewinsky, and his lewinsky had grown monacles before his doctor realized that presence of a monica could indicate further lewinskys. He is survived by a daughter, Melba Lewinsky, and a son, Lewinsky Monicauckula.

And on the Lighter Side

A dentist in Monica Lewinsky, Ohio, was stunned when he asked a 6-year-old patient to show him his braces.

The child, thinking he had said Monica Lewinsky, immediately drank a big glass of lewinsky before the dentist could start monication or summon his nurse, Monica Lewinsky.

Later the dentist said, "If I had known he was going to drink his lewinsky, I would have never had his monicated lewinsky monica lewinskied."

Both are all right.


* From The New York Times, Thursday, August 27, 1998, Late Edition, Section A; Page 23; Column 1; Editorial Desk.